I Won’t Forget

Words by Rachel, 22 QLD

1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.

The amount of women suffering in silence is unbearable to think about.

In 2017 I suffered a loss.

I was pregnant.

My anxiety was high,

hormones flooded my body.

It was perfect…

until it wasn’t.

We had gone to many ultrasounds.

Our boy was so healthy. The picture showed him kicking and moving.

We were so happy.

Until it all came crashing down.

I was up in the middle of the night,

I knew something wasn’t right.

‘I am sorry, there is no heartbeat’ is stuck in my head.

I will never forget those words, and how they were spoken.

I won’t forget the screams I let out.

I won’t forget trying to find my partners number to call him.

I won’t forget the panic I felt trying to reach him.

I won’t forget the looks I got when I left the room.

I won’t forget everyone staring, knowing something bad had happened.

I won’t forget sitting in the waiting room to see my doctor.

I won’t forget any of it.

I suffered death inside of me.

He was taken and he took a part of me with him. Then I was given the impossible choices;

Wait what could be weeks to miscarry naturally,

be induced into labor,

or have him surgically removed

I couldn’t believe I had to pick one.

I couldn’t believe an hour ago I was thinking of baby names. I won’t forget the friends and family who travelled as soon as they heard.

I won’t forget waiting the days for my parents to get home.

I won’t forget laying in their bed, when they walked in.

I won’t forget the look on my dad’s face I won’t forget the pain I felt when tears flooded his eyes.  

1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.

The amount of women suffering in silence is unbearable to think about.

Illustration by Aileen, You can find more of her work on Instagram @aileenetc